Murphy's Law
by tath-chan
Summary: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong: Murphy's Law. gen Complete!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: **_Hi everyone! Long time no see! After being distracted by Real Life and concentrating on my own original story, I have finally returned to fanfic. I do have a new fic soon to be posted, but in the meantime I couldn't resist the urge to dust off my old ones. Not a whole lot has been added, just a bit of polishing, but I hope you enjoy!_

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

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**Murphy's Law **

**Chapter One**

Like everything else that ever, _ever_ went wrong at Café Kichijouji, it was Maki's fault. Well, maybe that wasn't quite fair: Toku really had to take his share of the blame for a lot of things, too. However, _this_ time Tarou felt perfectly justified in pinning the blame wholly and entirely on Maki. And for once, not even Maki himself could whine about it.

The worst thing was, the day had started out so nicely. It was a Saturday, which meant that the Café opened an hour later than usual, which meant that Tarou was able to sleep in. He didn't, of course; instead he rose at his usual time, gave his apartment a brisk scrubbing and then arrived a few minutes early to help the Boss open up shop. (Minagawa was already there, of course but Tarou was in such a good mood after his morning cleaning spree that for once he didn't even bother to get upset over such blatant defiance of space and time.)

Slowly everyone else filtered in, yawning their good mornings, and Maki came in even later than usual, claiming a poor night's sleep. Right in the middle of this very lame excuse he was seized by a sudden fit of sneezing that had Tarou immediately trying to lock him out.

"It's just allergies!" Maki protested hastily. "It's spring, you know? Must be something blooming out there."

That seemed plausible, since nobody could recall ever seeing Maki sick, so Tarou graciously let him off with just one mop-handle-to-the-head and a warning to _use a tissue and wash your hands, geez!_ After that, the morning went along smoothly. The shop was busy but peaceful, full of the usual brunch crowd, and even when Maki began coughing in between his sneezing fits, everyone was too distracted to pay much attention.

Tarou felt no warnings, no premonitions of the coming disaster as the brunch crowd left and the lunch crowd arrived an hour or so later. Jun was waiting on a table full of rather pretty young women while Maki watched moodily from the kitchen, sniffling occasionally.

It was when Jun came back with his orders that everything suddenly started to go horribly wrong. Maki coughed behind his hand, and then he opened his mouth and—it _must_ have been the fever talking, Tarou reflected later—made some half-muttered comment about how unfair it was that girls always seem to fall for that "cute _bishounen_ look."

For an instant, it was as though the scene had frozen. Tarou gaped, stunned by the sheer vastness of Maki's stupidity. The Boss, working the register nearby, paused and visibly braced himself, turning very slowly and reluctantly to look over his shoulder. Tarou caught movement out of the corner of his eye and turned just in time to see Minagawa peering out, straw dolls at the ready and creepy grin in place, from the safety of a cupboard.

It never ceased to amaze Tarou how quiet Jun was, even at his most homicidal. One second he was his usual smiling, good-natured self, and the next second he was raising a two-ton boulder over somebody's head. Today, it was a tray, hurled at Maki's face with enough force to imbed itself a good six inches into the wall. Only Tarou's quick thinking saved the idiot: at the last second he hit the back of Maki's knees hard with his mop handle, sending him sprawling to the floor but with cranium intact.

But of course, that couldn't be the end of it. Of _course _Toku had to be coming around the corner with a stack full of newly washed dishes just as Maki fell, and of _course_ he had to trip over Maki and send said dishes flying. Between the two of them Tarou and the Boss managed to catch four, which left eight to shatter on the floor.

There was a moment of silence, broken only by Maki's incoherent groaning from where he lay with Toku on top of him. Then the Boss sighed, looking utterly defeated, and stood up. "Tarou," he said wearily, "would you mind cleaning this up for me while I go close shop for a little while?" Without waiting for a reply, he patted Tarou's shoulder and stumbled off.

Tarou echoed the Boss's sigh and got to work, ignoring, for the moment, Maki's moans and Toku's half-wailed "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Please don't take it out of my pay again!" He noticed sourly that Minagawa had somehow slipped away just in time to avoid being drafted into cleaning duty himself, the sneaky bastard.

Jun simply glanced at the mess, looking like nothing had happened, and commented blandly, "Toku-chan's so clumsy." Then he brought over the broom and dustpan, and Toku finally pulled himself off Maki and came over to pitch in, whimpering pathetically over his doomed paycheck. Tarou ignored both of them and cleaned in silence, because he had always considered it a point of pride not to use profanity.

It was deemed wisest by all to pretend that the whole incident had never happened and just get back to work as quickly as possible. So it was not until they were about to open back up a little while later that Minagawa stuck his head out of the kitchen and alerted them to the fact that Maki was still on the floor, apparently unconscious and running a fever of 103. The Boss froze with his hand on the _Open_ sign, and for a moment Tarou seriously thought that he was going to cry.

Regaining his composure, the Boss simply bowed his head and heaved a deep and heartfelt sigh. "Jun," he said after a moment, "would you and Tokumi please take Maki home?"

Jun graciously agreed, having already either forgotten or forgiven Maki's earlier idiocy, and Toku knew better than to protest. When they'd gone the Boss rubbed his forehead with his fingers. "Allergies," he muttered. He didn't need to elaborate.

Tarou was already feeling germy. "I'll go get the disinfectants," he said, as much to reassure himself as the Boss. "If we clean everything now, we might be able to catch all the germs before they spread."

The Boss merely nodded, head in his hands, while Tarou resignedly went to get the cleaning supplies. He knew, with horrible certainty, that this was only the beginning.

Not for the first time, he really, _really_ wished that he had just left Maki to Jun's mercy.

_To be continued…_


	2. Chapter 2

_Well, here I am with another chapter of what may possibly be the only multi-chaptered Cafe Kichijouji fic in existence. /g/ Enjoy it, and please don't forget to leave a review if you get the chance! _

_And of course, there is _NO BL _intended or implied._

**Disclaimer:** Alas, I cannot take the credit for this hilarious little series. It is the property of its original creators, whose names escape me at the moment.

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**Murphy's Law :: Chapter Two**

The next morning dawned bright and crisp, but this time Tarou was not fooled by the appearance of peacefulness. After a breakfast that was as healthy as he could possibly make it, he put on his fumigation suit and went next door to see exactly what they were up against. Maki never locked his door, and it didn't close properly anyway, so Tarou simply kicked it open. "Oi," he called, voice muffled beneath the mask. "Still alive in there?"

A feeble groan was the only response. The apartment was dark, but when his eyes adjusted he could make out the miserable lump huddled beneath layers of blankets on the bed. (The bed that was surrounded by mountains of trash, he could not help noticing. It took an effort to keep from twitching, but he reminded himself that he was protected by the suit.) A cool breeze blew past Tarou into the little room, rustling… things – Tarou resisted the urge to try and identify anything – and making Maki pull the blankets tighter around him, until only a bit of longish blond hair could be seen of him.

"Close th'door, will you?" Maki's voice was barely audible and half-coherent. "Jus' let me die in peace…"

Tarou raised an eyebrow doubtfully, though the gesture went unseen beneath his mask. "You'd _better_ not die in here," he warned. "Who knows what kind of bugs you'd attract. And I don't have the money to cremate you." Maki mumbled something unintelligible and gave a sniffle that really was pathetic. Tarou could almost feel sorry for him. Almost.

"Well, if you're still this bad when I get home tonight I'm going to make Tokumi drag you to the doctor," he said. And just to be sure that couldn't be misunderstood as concern or anything, he added, "The last thing I want is to catch your germs."

What sounded like a strangled laugh—which quickly turned into a hacking cough—came from under the blankets, and Tarou frowned. Clearly Maki's fever was clearly worse than he'd thought, and he decided that it was in his best interests to take his leave now. Who knew how much protection the fumigation suit really was against germs like that, after all. Besides, the morning was wearing on and there was no way he was going to be late for work because of Maki.

Tarou opened his mouth to say as much to the pitiful lump on the bed, but someone else's voice spoke instead. "Oh my, Maki-chan, you look dreadful."

One would think that after working with Minagawa so long, Tarou would be used to the way he seemed to pop up out of thin air. Alas, this was not the case, and Tarou jumped a foot in the air and just barely swallowed what would have been a rather undignified yelp. Hand on his chest to calm his racing heart, Tarou glanced at Minagawa, standing calmly beside him in his yukata. Someday this guy was going to seriously give him a heart attack, and he was convinced that Minagawa enjoyed trying.

As if reading his thoughts, Minagawa smiled eerily. "You seemed quite concerned over Maki-chan," he said; "you didn't even notice me come up."

Tarou glared. "I am not 'concerned' over Maki," he asserted. "What I am _concerned_ about is whether or not his germs will creep into my room by the time I come home tonight."

Minagawa laughed quietly and made no reply to that. "Maki-chan," he said instead, raising his voice just slightly, "if you like I know of a few remedies that will—"

"NOOOO!" cried Maki hoarsely, pulling the blankets further over his head. "No remedies." He sniffled loudly. "'m fine. 's just a cold."

Tarou and Minagawa exchanged a disbelieving glance, and the latter sighed. "If you insist." He folded his arms in his sleeves and turned to Tarou. "Tarou-chan, isn't it almost time to leave? You don't want to be late."

Tarou couldn't see his watch with the suit on, but Minagawa was probably right. "Maki," he called as he stepped back and started to shut the door, "don't you dare die while we're gone, got it?"

Maki rolled over, away from them. "Haaaaaai," he responded gloomily. He tried to add something else, but was interrupted by a violent sneezing fit. Tarou shut the door hurriedly.

About half an hour later, Tarou was running exactly 1.5 minutes behind schedule as he jogged down to the Café, and he was not happy about it. Muttering under his breath, he didn't even hear Toku calling his name until his coworker caught up to him. "Good morning, Tarou-san!" he said, far too cheerfully. "Aren't you a little late?"

A baleful look from Tarou was enough to make Toku scramble to change the subject. "Um, oh—how's Maki-san doing? He looked pretty awful when we got him home yesterday."

"He's even worse today," Tarou replied, still annoyed. "He's probably got the flu or something."

"Shouldn't he go to the doctor then? What if it's really serious?" Toku looked genuinely worried.

"He's under orders not to die before I get back, but if he isn't any better by then you're going to have to take him."

"Ehh? Why me, Tarou-sa—"

Toku cut himself off as he saw Jun ahead, coming up from the opposite direction. The teenager waved cheerily, catching sight of them. "Good morning, Tarou-san, Toku-san!" he said as they reached the back door together. "You're a little late." Tarou just sighed.

Toku scratched the back of his head as Tarou opened the door. "Eh heh heh," he laughed ruefully. "It was so warm today that I slept in. I didn't even have to put my clothes under the kotatsu overnight to keep them—" He interrupted himself with a huge sneeze. Tarou froze.

Jun appeared unconcerned. "Someone must be talking about you, Toku-san," was his only comment.

"Yeah, that must be—" This time it was a whole fit of sneezing that cut Toku off mid-sentence, and when he finally looked up, eyes watering, Tarou was looking at him gloomy resignation. "Tarou-san," he protested hastily, "I feel fine! I'm not sick, it's just—" One last sneeze broke through, as if to disprove his words.

"Just go home, Toku," Tarou sighed, turning to go inside. "If you're feeling better tomorrow you can come back."

"But Tarou-san," Toku pleaded, "I can't take a day off, I'm two yen short on the rent this month!" He attempted to follow Tarou inside, but found himself literally kicked out to land ungracefully on his face outside. "Tarou-saaaan!" he cried tearfully, rubbing his nose.

Tarou stuck his head out the door. "Go home," he repeated unsympathetically, and disappeared inside.

Jun glanced back at Toku, shrugged, and followed suit. "Bye, Toku-san!" he called over his shoulder.

Then the door was shut, and from the other side Tarou waited until he heard Toku pick himself up and trudge off, sniffling and sneezing. Then he breathed a sigh of relief. "Jun," he said, "go get things started for me while I go disinfect." Jun trotted off and Tarou headed straight for the handsoap.

It was going to be a very long day.

_To be continued…_


	3. Chapter 3

_Here we are at the end of my little Cafe K saga. Thank you to all who reviewed! I'm so glad you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I hope to return to this fandom sometime in the near future, but we'll see..._

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**Murphy's Law :: Chapter Three**

Miraculously, the next two days went by without any new calamities. Toku and Maki were still down with what was indeed the flu, and without them the Café seemed much quieter. If he were really honest with himself, Tarou would admit that he kind of missed the noise; it kept things interesting, at least. But he would lock himself in Maki's room for an hour before he admitted that.

Sadly, neither Tarou nor the Boss were in the mood to enjoy the peacefulness, burdened as they were with the terrible knowledge that they were pretty much doomed. But while the latter seemed wearily resigned to his fate, Tarou had resolved to go down fighting — which simply meant that his normal paranoia increased twofold. Twice a day he dosed himself with every vitamin supplement he had, and he was essentially living on fruits, vegetables, and purified water. The backs of his hands were red and cracked after washing them in-between every order for two days, and he was starting to grow seriously concerned that the skin might literally be scrubbed off. Then he decided that he could live with such a sacrifice if it meant he didn't get sick.

Jun and Minagawa, of course, remained obnoxiously unbothered by the whole thing. Tarou was absolutely positive that the two must be indestructible or something. After all, Jun had helped Toku get Maki home when he'd first gotten sick, and therefore should have been showing symptoms at the same time Toku had. Instead, the teenager had yet to do so much as sniffle. He seemed as good-humored as ever, too, although he did remark that it was kind of boring without the entertainment of watching Toku and Maki's unfailing acts of stupidity and subsequent beatings. Tarou had no reply to that.

Minagawa was perhaps a bit more creepy than usual, which made Tarou half-jokingly wonder if he was somehow behind it all. Maybe he was punishing Maki and Toku for pilfering supplies again. He had almost worked up the nerve to ask Minagawa about it straight out, but the smile the chef had turned his way had been positively sinister and sent him backpedaling hurriedly. Finding out the truth wasn't worth bringing punishment upon himself, if Minagawa really_ was _the cause of the situation. Better to be safe than sorry.

So things continued peacefully — if warily — until the inevitable finally happened, and the Boss was suddenly beset with a sneezing fit while he checked out a customer. Tarou, serving as a floor waiter in Maki's place, heard it from where he stood, across the room taking someone's order. He froze briefly, then finished taking the order and excused himself with a cheery smile. He walked very calmly and deliberately back to the Boss's office, where he had retreated to blow his nose. Tarou stood in the doorway, feeling strangely unalarmed.

"Shall I close the Café?" he inquired mildly. He noticed then that a headache was building right above his eyes, and pinched the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger.

The Boss groaned, tossing the tissue into the trash can and leaning back in his chair. He started to speak, was interrupted by an explosive round of sneezes, and tried again afterwards. "I don't think we have a choice," he said resignedly, dabbing at his nose with another tissue. "Even if I left you in charge it would be too much for just the three of you to handle." He sighed. "Go ahead, Tarou. Better close up shop, and give us a week, just to be safe."

Tarou echoed his sigh and nodded, turning unenthusiastically to the task of shooing everyone out and explaining things. After the door had closed behind the last customer, Tarou flipped the OPEN sign over to CLOSED and left a note below it explaining that the Café would remain so until approximately a week from today due to — he was strongly tempted to write "plague," but resisted in favor of the milder "illness." Task done, he straightened up and wearily assigned Jun to clearing the tables and stacking the chairs while he leaned his back against the counter, rubbing at the persistent ache across his forehead and absently clearing a dry throat.

To distract himself, Tarou mused on how much he could legally take out of Maki's pay for this. It was only right, he reasoned, since it was entirely Maki's fault that the Café would be closed and thereby lose seven days' worth of money. He would have to speak to the Boss about this…

"Tarou-san," Jun called from across the room, "where do you want — ah, Maki-san!"

Tarou was brought out of his thoughts abruptly, and he looked up to find the object of them breezing in from the kitchen. His hair was washed and pulled back in his usual artfully messy ponytail, his face had regained all of its color, and he was grinning in a way that Tarou thought seemed immensely self-satisfied. It was obviously unnecessary to ask if he felt better.

"_Ossu_!" he said cheerily, glancing around to include even Tarou in the greeting. "Did everyone miss me?" Minagawa chose that moment to materialize soundlessly beside Tarou and both he and Maki jumped. But apparently Maki's high spirits could not be shaken even by the chef's sudden appearance. "Yo, Minagawa. You look… healthy."

"Welcome back, Maki-chan," Minagawa returned, smiling a little less eerily and a little more warmly than was his wont. "So do you."

"_Aa_, completely cured!" Maki laughed. "And I didn't even have to go to the doctor. I guess my immune system's pretty tough." He scratched the back of his head and sighed. "Man, I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's good to be back."

There was no doubting Maki's sincerity, and Tarou might have been touched had not the dryness of his throat begun to show signs of turning horrifically painful. The headache had not abated, either, and he recognized it now as the pressure headache caused by blocked sinuses. He straightened up, stepping away from the counter slowly. "Maki…" he began, but was cut off the next second by a coughing fit that came out of nowhere and doubled him over.

And it _hurt_! Forget _beginning to show signs of turning horrifically painful_, his throat felt like it was on fire. When he could breathe again, he looked up through watering eyes to see Maki, Jun and Minagawa staring at him. The chef was smiling. "Oh my, Tarou-chan," he said smoothly. "That sounded terrible."

"Are you okay, Tarou-san?" asked Jun, actually looking mildly concerned. "You look a little pale."

"That's not good, Tarou-chan. Have you been eating properly? You should be taking better care of yourself when there are so many germs around, you know. _Ne_, Jun?"

"That's right, you have to be extra careful. Maybe you haven't been eating enough fruits and vegetables?"

Tarou felt the sudden urge to cry. And then Maki opened his mouth. "Wow, Tarou," he said with a grin that was not at all sympathetic. "So the god of disinfectants and handsoap gets sick just as easily as the rest of us mortals, huh? Serves you right for not being nicer to me when I was — AGH!"

Tarou was grimly pleased to find that the flu did not seem to impair his ability to beat Maki senseless; it was a happy coincidence that there was a tray on the counter right behind him. He preferred his mop when given the choice, but a tray did just as well in a pinch. It made the most satisfying_ clang _when it connected with Maki's head, too.

Jun and Minagawa exchanged a glance as they prudently stepped back to give Tarou enough room; they hadn't seen him quite this homicidal in a while. The teenager frowned. "It really isn't good for Tarou-san to be exerting himself like this," he remarked as another _clang _was followed by a howl of pain. "He's going to give himself a fever."

"Don't worry, I'll take care of it." Minagawa winked and pulled out two of his straw dolls. "Now, now," he raised his voice over the noise, "play nice, children."

Sheltering in his office, the Boss steadfastly ignored the crashes and yelps of pain — interspersed with coughing and sneezing — from outside. Eventually his employees would remember that the Café was closed and they could all go home now. He hoped. With a grimace, he blew his nose and rubbed at the headache above his eyes.

A particularly loud thump was followed at last by dead silence. Then he heard Jun's bland voice. "Ah, I think they both passed out."

The Boss sighed and wondered if it would be legal not to pay Maki at all this month.

**:: owari ::**

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_Just as a bit of trivia, "ossu" is an informal greeting between guys, according to the online Japanese dictionary. It's quite frequent in anime, but it took me forever to track down a definition. :P I think that the rest of my Japanese used here is just your basic fangirl dialect, nothing out of the ordinary. _

_Oh yes, and I should add this because I found it amusing: I have Minagawa addressing Jun without his usual -chan because I agree with a theory that _**ambientlight **_shared with me on LJ. She suspects that Minagawa does not call Jun -chan because of Jun's sensitivity over his looks. Neither of us have any evidence to back it up (the translations don't include any honorifics - and the ones included in the scanlations were partially wrong, I discovered - and I don't have the Japanese versions), but I thought it plausible. ;)_


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